Do you feel like you’re living a life that’s not your own?
You know the feeling. It can be hard to describe, but it’s something like an itch in the back of your mind. A sense that there must be more to life than what you are currently experiencing. That somewhere out there is a better version of yourself, and if only you could find them, everything would be perfect. But for now, all you have is this nagging feeling that things aren’t quite right with how things are going in your life right now.
Most men spend their lives with a deep sense of insecurity, never feeling like they’re good enough. I’ve been there. It sucks to feel like you’re not living your best life because of the stress in your head or the anxiety in your stomach. Maybe you just have (like I did) a general dissatisfaction with life that you can’t quite put your finger on.
“Surely this isn’t as good as it gets, is it?”
It doesn’t have to be this way!
KEY POINTS
- Your worth as a person has nothing to do with your achievements or abilities but only with who you are at your core.
- This way of thinking provides us with a fundamental sense of self-worth that we can rely on no matter what.
What is Quiet Confidence?
If you’re like me, you’ve always been drawn to the person who seems quiet and confident. You feel a bit of what you want in yourself in them because they seem to know exactly what they want and how to get it. But when I tried this approach for myself, I found that all my confidence just leaked out with every word I said or thing I did.
I was so worried about saying something wrong or not sounding smart enough that I became paralyzed by my own insecurity. And before long, the stress had taken its toll on me physically and mentally.
I was shy. I was pessimistic in my outlook on life. No matter how much internal cheerleading I did, motivational books I read, or routines I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my life pretty much sucked. I didn’t feel like there was anything I could really do about it.
I felt misunderstood and found it challenging to connect with other people. I wasn’t truly living. I felt like I wasn’t able to express my true self. That “true self” guy didn’t fit in. I believed other people wouldn’t really accept that guy. I was ashamed of that guy.
I wasn’t afraid of dying. I was fearful of not actually living. Afraid to fail. Afraid to take a chance. Afraid to succeed.
The greatest of my fears, above all else, was mediocrity.
After years of living, or rather existing, this way, I decided I’d had enough. I was sick and tired of being sad, lonely, depressed, scared. I was sick and tired of being mediocre.
What do you think about when you hear the words “quiet confidence?” Do you immediately think of a confident person who can speak up and share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas? Or do you picture someone timid in social situations? The reality is that both definitions are correct. Quiet confidence can be defined as having an inner-confidence without needing others’ approval.
Quiet Confidence is the belief that your worth as a man has nothing to do with your achievements or abilities but only with who you are at your core. This way of thinking provides us with a fundamental sense of self-worth that we can rely on no matter where we find ourselves in our lives. It also gives us permission not to care about what other people think. Ultimately, it doesn’t change who we are deep down inside.
Quiet Confidence is having both the courage and the ease to be with yourself, just as you are. It’s going beyond thinking or any concept of good or bad. It results from having the ability to be fully present and fully aware, here and now, just as you are. To believe that no matter what happens, you will handle it. To honestly know that you are perfect, just as you are, and you also need improvement.
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The Tibetans have a great word and concept around this, Ziji. It roughly translates to “Brilliant Confidence” or “Radiating Splendor.” Ziji means true, radiant, inner confidence.
It is unshakeable inner confidence. Ziji is the belief in your own abilities and doesn’t rely on external things like what others think, what you have, or what you’ve done. Instead, it originates from within yourself; nobody can steal it from you.
It is the light of your true nature, your inner goodness. It is authenticity, vulnerability, and being comfortable in your own skin, at home, no matter where you are.
Quiet Confidence is a Feeling
To understand how we cultivate Quiet Confidence within ourselves, we first need to understand all the things that go into it and the elements that affect it.
The strength and comfort of being true to yourself, just as you are. Your sense of self-worth has nothing to do with what you’ve achieved or how talented you are but everything to do with your fundamental values.
The outcomes and results we have are a direct result of our actions. Our actions create the results we have in our life. And it is our feelings that determine our actions, even though we’d all like to think that our actions are a direct result of our rational thought.
Simply said, a situation happens, and we have ideas about the facts of that circumstance; those thoughts create feelings, and those feelings lead to behaviors that influence the situation (either favorably or adversely), and so on.
Thoughts >> Feelings >> Actions >> Results
Your behaviors and outcomes do not give you confidence. It generates your behaviors and outcomes. Confidence is a combination of abilities that includes how you think and how you focus your thoughts.
While we can’t change the relationships between our thoughts, feelings, actions, and results, we can be aware of how they influence each other. This awareness gives us the ability to optimize each of the chain elements, which is what gives us that Quiet Confidence.
Four Pillars of Quiet Confidence
You can think of optimizing each of these elements (your thoughts, feelings, actions, and results) as the four pillars of Quiet Confidence. For me, Quiet Confidence is a complete lifestyle change – one that will help me live authentically by cultivating each of these four pillars: Mindset, Heartset, Healthset, and Soulset.
Thinking Well: Mindset
Optimizing your thoughts comes from cultivating a healthy mindset. This is done by recognizing the dynamic aspects of your mind – the egoic mind and the conscious mind. These are two sides of the same coin. Then, it is doing the daily work to let go of the egoic mind. This is the purpose of mindfulness and meditation.
Peace of mind, emotional balance, and stability in living a free, authentic, joyful, centered, beneficial life. Calm. Clarity. Congruence.
Feeling Well: Heartset
Heartset goes beyond what we think of as feelings and emotions. Understanding that there is an underlying natural order to the world and that Truth clearly explains this reality. Furthermore, it is knowing that this Truth is objective, not subjective; objective moral values. Author C.S. Lewis describes that “certain attitudes are really true, and others really false, to the kind of thing the universe is and the kind of things we are.” He notes that nearly all religions and philosophical schools, whether Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism, Aristotelianism, Stoicism, or Platonism, have this Truth at their foundation. Cultivate your Heartset by cultivating this Truth.
Cultivating love, compassion, kindness, empathy, and equanimity.
Being Well: Healthset
I use the term Healthset to refer to optimizing our actions. That may seem a bit odd but think about it. Our health (for the most part) is actionable. We can choose to eat healthfully, get adequate rest, take care of our body, etc.
We also talk about things like a healthy relationship. What is that? It is our taking actions to make sure that the relationship is thriving. It is serving the needs of both parties, enabling each to grow and grow with each other.
Our actions are our health.
Cultivating your Healthset begins with acknowledging that you are going to die, and you have no idea when. Stop pretending you’re invincible. By accepting your mortality, you can begin to structure your life in more meaningful ways. This starts with you taking care of your body, nourishing it, and optimizing your overall health.
Taking actions for self-care, reducing anxiety, and stress, boosting immunity, and prolonging life.
Living Well: Soulset
Your thoughts about any given circumstance create your feelings. Your feelings, in turn, create your actions. And your actions subsequently create the results you have in your life.
The second of Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is to “Begin with the end in mind.” If you think about your desired results, you can work backward: What actions will produce that result? What feelings will create those actions? What thoughts do you need to have to influence those feelings?
So what results are you focusing on? This is cultivating your Soulset. Living your purpose. Finding your “why” and structuring your life in such a way that everything is congruent with that “why.” This could be through religion, moral philosophy, or just living your life on purpose, deliberately. It is cultivating those things that stir your soul.
Finding and living your “why.” Living your life on purpose, deliberately.
How to Develop Quiet Confidence
The good news is that there’s nothing wrong with wanting more from our lives! In fact, I think we should want more from our lives – as long as we’re also willing to do the work necessary to get it.
This Quiet Confidence doesn’t come from your activities and outcomes. It comes from within and generates your behaviors and outcomes. Confidence is a set of abilities comprised of how you think and how you direct your thinking.
So, how do you direct your thinking?
3 steps:
- Cultivating awareness of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and the relationships between them.
- Using that awareness to cultivate a healthy “Mental Hygiene” that enables you to optimize your thoughts, feelings, actions, and ultimately your results.
- Then, identify and pay attention to “Thought Triggers” – those things that may cause you to have thoughts that create feelings, leading to behaviors that influence the situation (either favorably or adversely).
This is where mindfulness comes into play. Mindfulness isn’t just some woo-woo New Age concept. And it’s not just something to help you deal with stress. It has been scientifically proven time and time again to help us improve every aspect of our lives. Our relationships, career success, health & wellness, and overall happiness levels (to name just a few).
How I Embody Quiet Confidence
My meditation and mindfulness practice has given me a foundation to develop inner, quiet confidence in my life. I have both the courage and the ease to be with myself, accepting myself just as I am.
I don’t try to be a certain way – good, bad, strong, confident, charming, etc. – I just “be.” And I have no expectations around what others think. I take no validation (positive or negative) from others’ thoughts or opinions. I realize I am the only person on the planet that is responsible for getting my needs met. And I make sure I get them met. I let go of all expectations and attachments to any outcomes of trying to do everything “right” and having a smooth, problem-free life.
Mindfulness, to me, is a study of the self. It is getting in touch with who that truly is and being able to, step by step, slowly let that person shine. That person is my true essence, my conscious self, the heart I had when I was five, with all of the wisdom gained over the 40+ years since. I am living as my authentic self.
I am vulnerable. I am, in many ways, completely unprotected. Out there. What you see is what you get. What I’m feeling and thinking on my inside is also what is happening on my outside. That’s it. I’m calm and peaceful with who I am, and I’ve got a real sense of clarity about it.
Calm, clarity, and congruence. These are at the heart of what I seek. I seek liberation, balance, equanimity, clarity of consciousness, a harmony of spirit, passion, purpose, cultivation of Truth, living deliberately, in the here and now, in full effect.
I am living my purpose and being my authentic self. By doing that, I’m doing the thing that I was put on this earth to do. That’s what I contribute to society, to humanity.
I’m going to be a better human being by embodying Ziji, my Quiet Confidence.
“Good questions outrank easy answers.” – Paul A. Samuelson (American economist)
- What is the number one thing that hinders you from being your authentic self?
- What is your one best piece of advice for a man who wants a free, authentic, joyful, centered and purposeful life?
- What do you feel are the primary obstacles to a joyful, centered, and purposeful life?
Want more? Get the free guide “Quiet Confidence: A Men’s Guide to Living a Free, Authentic, Joyful, Centered, & Purposeful Life“
This workbook will introduce mindfulness as a foundation for living a more deliberate, authentic, purposeful life of peace, freedom, health, and fulfillment.
